Sadness is a constant monkey on the back of anyone trying to process how and when to disclose. Knowing that at some point in the future you have to pluck up the courage to just say it can leave you drained and on the verge of tears. And there's nothing wrong with tears. Shed a few. Let it out. But if you're feeling sad, then you have already made up your mind to disclose.
Sadness is an emotion of choice. You have chosen a path, now you're just pre-empathising with what is coming next. Don't let it control you, or you could well go back on your decision and slip back in to regret mode. Push through the sadness and do what you decided. Even if that decision is to not tell. Get on with your day. Smile at someone. Even a fake smile turns real when that someone smiles back. Sadness fades. It's true, it does. The key here is not to sit in a puddle of it. Get up, get moving, get active.
What about when you disclose, and it feels like the wrong decision? That can lead to all kinds of emotional mess. Regret we have already covered, but what about self-loathing? That feeling that you have done something really, REALLY stupid and now there's no taking it back. Or perhaps it's the other way around. You chose to say nothing, and now you hate yourself for chickening out.
This is by far the hardest mindset to deal with, and possibly the most dangerous. It can lead to eating binges, lethargy, self-destructive behavior. It's critical that you deal with this immediately. Right now. Stand up, and get ready to deal with it. Go and speak to your treating physician, and get a referral to speak to someone. I can't stress this enough - if you are hating yourself, get professional help. Close this blog, call your treating physician. Yes there are ways of dealing with it on your own, or with friends. But they take time, and time isn't on your side when you're in the mindset to self-sabotage. And this blog is all about being happy and healthy, so I say again - if you are self loathing, get professional help.
Disclosure can be a horrific process to go through. It is traumatic and it leaves you weak and exposed. But it is also cathartic and can leave you feeling empowered and invincible. It just takes you to see beyond the gloom and touch the silver lining.
Disclosing in relationships can be much harder. Imagine all that we have talked about so far, all those emotions. Then crank them up to eleven when you start thinking about telling your partner/spouse/long list of casuals. How do you even broach the subject? Notice I am not saying anything about avoiding the subject. Disclosing to sexual partners is absolutely REQUIRED. No ifs buts or maybes. If you have had sex with them during your exposure window, you tell them. If you plan on having sex, you tell them. Relationships don't work on lies. If you want happiness with someone, truth is the ONLY option.
This is another topic I have discussed at length, both with poz and neg people. The reactions I get are often amazing, often disheartening. People who choose to not disclose. People who choose to have non-penetrative sex. People who pretty much wear a badge on their chest on date 1. Everyone is different, and everyone needs their own level of comfort in this. But neg guys all say the exact same thing. Here it is - the big secret. What neg partners think.
"It's better to be with someone honest. It's better to be with someone who is medicated and in control, than to be with someone who has no idea if they even have it. I'd prefer to sleep with a medicated poz guy than an idiot who doesn't even get tested."
Be aware, this is just the mindset of the neg people who are OK with poz. I don't get much opportunity to speak with people who are fearful, because I am never approached by them. But neg people who understand the virus pretty much all feel this way.
So, again we return to disclosing. At this point, I'm sure you can all see where I'm going with this. Disclose immediately. It's better in the long run. Find out what side of the fence your potential partner sits on. If they are in the above camp (ok with it) then great! If not, then before you get weepy, ask yourself: Do you really want to be with someone who lives in fear? Sometimes all it takes is disclosure to break the fear bubble of the other person. Just a bit of time, and they will come back to you and say: "I wasn't OK with it. But now I am."
Back to the topic of disclosing to past partners. This - I have to stress - has ZERO to do with your own emotional state. You must MUST take an empathetic approach here. This is about their health. Right now, they have no idea that they have been exposed to the virus. This is down to you. Think about their health, and the health of the people they are sleeping with. Undiagnosed HIV is the leading cause of transmission globally - and it's up to US to stamp that out. By talking. By letting exes know that they have been exposed.
You are going to get bad reactions. You are. It's just life. Steel yourself for it, and remind yourself that this is for their benefit. It has nothing to do with you. This is a storm that every single sexually active positive person has to weather. If you really don't think you can do it yourself, then give the list of numbers to your doctor. He will pass it on to the Heath Department, and they will call for you. This is how serious it is that anyone exposed be told - the governments of most major countries have a system in place to track down and tell anyone who you have been in contact with. So, do it yourself if you think you can weather the storm. Or let others do it for you. But GET IT DONE.
Disclosure is ongoing, as I said at the start of the last blog. It never stops. But neither does coming out. Take a similar approach, tell the world, tell three people, tell yourself that nobody has to know. It's a personal journey. But above all, walk the path that leads to happiness.
No comments:
Post a Comment