Isolation.

Isolation is a crushing feeling of loneliness.  It could be physical isolation - being completely alone.  It could be social - having nobody to talk to.  It could be emotional - feeling unloved.  And you know what?  Poz guys in the gay world are the experts.

HIV stigma is subtle.  It's very rare that you meet someone who openly says "the virus sickens me."  Instead, it's a tapering off of conversation.  It's awkward pauses.  It's someone shifting their chair back a little, away from you.  And isolation is stigma's weapon of choice.

So many guys out there tell me they experience it.  They tell me that they feel like there's nobody out there who cares to listen, who wants to understand.  They tell me that the feeling of loneliness is so crushing sometimes, that they just want to scream.  And I get that.  I have experienced it myself.

But isolation can't exist in the same space as happiness.  They are mutually exclusive.  Isolation brings sadness.  Happiness brings inquisitiveness from others.  "Huh?  What's he so cheery about?"  Learning to be happy in the face of isolation is a tricky bitch to master.  But it can be done.

First thing's first - work out where the feelings are coming from.  Do you live too far away from your friends and support network?  Do you have limited access to social media?  Do you struggle to transport yourself around?  That's physical isolation.  It sucks, but it's the easiest one to overcome.  Google around, there's gay support groups scattered all over the place.  Find a Facebook group.   But the big one?  Tell your friends and support network that you feel isolated.  Tell them.  These feelings can't be overcome with silence.  Your friends are going to get it, and the true friends are the ones who will say "Ok, I'm coming over for a week."

Perhaps your isolation is more mental than physical.  You could walk in to a crowded room and feel like the only person there.  You could scan a crowd and see nothing but hostile closed faces looking back.  Your phone hasn't rung or bleeped or bipped in weeks.  This is social isolation.  It's the cruelest.  This is the one I used to suffer from.  The solution to this one is to talk.  Talk to anyone.  Talk to everyone.  The best place to start is with your treating physician.  Remember them?  The doctor you chose to case manage your HIV?  Talk to them.  They will have the names and numbers of counselors, peer support networks, social groups.  If they don't have those names and numbers immediately, they will get them for you.  Because that's their job - to treat you.  To keep you healthy.  And a healthy mindset is just as important as a healthy body.

Talking is not just a weapon against isolation, it's a tool to help you move toward happiness.  The more you talk, the more you process information.  The more blunt and honest you are about your feelings, the more often those little nuggets of insight will fall out of your mouth and surprise you.  Talking about a thing makes the thing less oppressive and scary.  So talk.  A lot.

But what about the last kind?  Emotional isolation.  Partners, love interests, casual roots.  They have totally dropped off the radar.  Sure, you still get woof'd on Scruff, but once the conversation gets to the hard wire, they drop that clever little insult - "Are you clean?"  Clean.  Like HIV is something filthy to be wiped up with a Chux cloth and washed down the sink.  And your heart sinks, knowing that once again you will be missing out on snuggles tonight.

This one takes guts to overcome.  It's something that you should only do if you know, in yourself, it's the right move.  If you're unsure, or hesitant, or for whatever reason you feel like it would be a bad idea, then don't do it!  But, here goes.  Disclose your status.

Put it up on your profile.  Put the [+] symbol next to your name.  It's empowering and it's liberating.  It cuts the crap.  It's like an instant bullshit filter - the guys who would ask that horrendously insulting question will never even bother messaging you.  Better yet, you will be surprised at how many woofs you suddenly get, how many other poz guys exist out there, who have not disclosed, and who have been suffering the same emotional isolation and rejection.

You aren't alone.  We all have shit we are dealing with.  Isolation can be overcome, all you have to do is take one step forward and say "I want to not feel like this anymore."  The happiness you feel from overcoming the isolation demon makes up for the discomfort of putting yourself out there.