Stigma.

This post is for all you HIV negative people out there.  Pozzers, feel free to look away.  Or don't, up to you.  But this post is the one that we have all wanted to say, the one we have all screamed at our phones at 2am when you get that "thanks but I only play with neg" message on your singles app.

Stigma.  Discrimination.  Close-mindedness.  Ignorance.  It's all the same thing.  It's a lack of knowledge, a lack of wanting to know the truth.  It sucks a giant donkey.  And it's everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  I've touched on a few of the things that we (poz people) notice.  But this post is all about putting it all out there.

Stigma is a term used to explain the behavior of people - whether conscious or unconscious - when faced with HIV.  It can be small things like delaying a text message.  It can be big things like overreacting when finding out.  It is a hundred things.  A thousand.  It's unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) cruel.  And all it takes is a bit of knowledge to stop doing it.  And yes, this is the essence of this post.  Stop.  Doing.  It.

So, you're neg.  You've never really had to face the idea of HIV.  It's never been much of an issue for you.  You're in a bar, and chatting to a total hottie.  I mean a 12 on the scale of hot.  You're completely digging this person, they're just delicious.  And then they tell you they are HIV positive.  What happens now?  I'd love to give you a few ideas, but I actually want you to stop reading, and ask yourself out loud.  What would you think or say or do?

HIV stigma is really not as blatant as you might think.  I bet a hundred things went through your mind.  Things like "I don't want HIV."  "I have no idea if this guy is a risk."  Or the big one, "Damn, that's a pity."  You may not have said those things.  But guess what?  Your face did.  And the guy you have been having a great chat to saw it.  Your smile drooped a little.  Your eyes looked away.  And you have just revealed all that to someone who up until a moment ago thought he might have had a shot.

Campaigns like ENUF are fantastic at overcoming the obvious stigma about HIV.  Dispelling the myths.  Teaching people that undetectable means healthy.  But it's the little things, the facial expressions.  The silence.  The things that to a neg person might be nothing at all, or at least nothing conscious.  But to a poz person it says: "I don't understand, and that worries me."

Education is probably the biggest thing you can do to overcome your personal preconceptions about HIV.  Knowing about the virus, about how hard it really is to transmit and contract, knowing about ARV's and the rate of infection from undetectable sources.  Knowledge is key.  I will be posting a page to some fantastic links alongside this post, so that you can do just that.  Get educated.

Control your thinking.  Remember, even if you don't realise it, your surface thoughts become body language as or shortly after you think them.  Why do you think there are so many "mind readers" peddling their talents across the world?  Body language experts.  Know what you are thinking.  Keep an open mind.  Heck if it helps, go in to every conversation thinking they are probably poz.  Assume positive until proven otherwise.

This is a great general rule of thumb, especially for casual online encounters.  Assume poz, until proven otherwise.  The internet lies.  It does.  Guys are 6'4", muscled and well endowed online.  Guys are 4'3", wider than they are tall, and you never even get to find out what they're packing in real life.  Not that there's anything wrong with either of those descriptions - it just sucks when you get one when promised the other.  It's the same with HIV status.  Guys lie.

Know how to "play safe".  Another golden rule of life, not just in relation to poz stigma.  Know how the virus is transmitted most often, and don't do those risky behaviors.  If you do, then know that you are playing roulette.  HIV sucks, but so does herpes, chlamydia and syphilis.  Play safe to avoid all of those.

Be clear in your view of HIV.  Be crystal clear.  Know what it is you think of the virus, once you know the facts.  You are still going to repeat the stigma cycle if you are unsure.  And heck, maybe once you know all the facts that matter, you're still going to dislike the virus, and poz people.  And that's actually OK.  It sucks for us, but it's your right to choose how to think and feel. It's up to you to figure out how you feel about it.  But know your mind, know your feelings on the topic.  And don't facade - tell people how you feel.  Blunt honesty is preferable to awkward moments and unconscious stigma.

People living with HIV are going through shit.  Maybe not in the moment you meet them, but in general.  Think of all the hard times you've faced in your life.  Grief.  Loss.  Pain.  And that's just the general stuff.  Now add the thought of "what if I had a virus that everyone is afraid of?" into the mix.  Now you're beginning to see why stigma exists, and why poz people are so painfully aware of it.

In short, don't be a jerk.  Or do, but be a jerk with knowledge and understanding.  Most of all, be empathetic.  The person sitting across from you is a human being, and could well be the love of your life.  HIV is just a thing they are dealing with.